Last night I ate so much fruit that I was in agony. I had told myself that buying nectarines and plums on the way home was better than buying chocolate or wine – which was what I wanted – and that I was doing myself a favour. I purposefully ignored the high fructose factor because I was feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I was missing out. I was tired and needed something to energise me. I told myself that actually, I have been not eating certain things for so long that my gut is probs sweet bro, eat away, you’ll be fine. I am very easily persuaded. And I am also very convincing. It’s a terrible combination.
Within half an hour I looked 7 months pregnant under my dress, I had to go lie down because I was hurting so bad and I was worried that I had actually done permanent damage.
All because my immune system can’t recognise food for what it is and attacks things randomly causing me pain and discomfort. Because my gut lining is so damaged from years of gluten exposure that even though I had my diagnosis of CD and went GF two years ago it might as well have been yesterday for all that it has healed. And because I knew all of this and still put something inside me that was potentially going to do me damage.
I beat myself up all night about it and then went out in a panic to find lunch today in my thirty minute break and bought more fruit. What the ACTUAL fuck man. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistake twice and expecting different results. I am doing this to myself. Compulsively.
I need to stop eating fruit and start having a lie down. I need to take a year off work and travel around the hot places of the world, not eating fruit, taking photographs and somehow being paid for it. I need the grumpy Dutchman to stage an intervention and take all of the fruit out of the house. I need to stop eating in the car. I need to figure out how to get my kids to stay in their own beds for the whole night. I need to figure out how to jam three more hours in my day – preferably between classes – so I can do some actual Deaning while I am at school and not try to fit it in around the edges. I need.
I need.
I need WINE.
nzmockingbirdgrrl 
I say this lovingly – getting shit done is 10 times harder when you’re not feeling well. You need to bite the bullet and make major changes. It’s the only way to move forward.
And I mean, MAJOR changes. I’m saying you have to go full-crunchy. We’re talking bone broth, probiotics, epsom salt baths and the rest. It’s hard at first but give it a few months and you’ll be doing it all without even thinking.
I did it while incredibly sick and working full time. Mind you, I didn’t have kids like you. I really wished I could have paid someone to cook for me. And do the shopping for me. And just … tell me what the hell I needed to be doing (now that I’m well I’ve even considered offering this as a service!? God wouldn’t it be great to have someone just deliver your daily GAPS casseroles..!?)
The light at the end of the tunnel only took me a year to get to though. It’s great being symptom-free. Join me on “the other side”!
By the way I have a feeling you suffer more than you let on. Humour is an excellent way of dealing with pain and despondency. I do it too. I’m just saying I know… it’s really hard, eh.
xx
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Thnks for your message K, I feel like a lot of the restrictions I have put on myself this year are MAJOR changes (listed in my ‘about’) but I do know what you mean. I have to do what is do-able to me right now without having any other part of my life fall apart (work or family). I hadn’t heard of the epsom salt baths being beneficial for gut stuff before? At the moment it’s one day at a time, and I am sure that when I finally get to reading the GAPS book I will kick it up a notch. Anyways, thanks for your message – nice to know there are people who have made it out the other side! xx
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