So I’m driving home from work at 8 pm (parent teacher night) and I cross over the intersection on to Williamson Ave. As I come over the bus parked at the side of the road pulls out in front of me. Slowly. Without warning. I speak in to the silence in the car (my stereo is broken and it is literally the only thing I like about my car so that’s just not fair).  I say ‘Just pull out in front of me dude’ then after a beat ‘Fucking cunt’. I crack myself up. Even in the confines of my car – where noone can hear me – I’m a potty mouthed bitch.

Tonight in one of my interviews I said ‘Taking the piss’. I said to the PARENTS of a student ‘She is taking the piss’. Luckily I have Deaned this girl for three and a half years and the parents know I adore her, and they were not at all offended, and I apologised profusely of course, but seriously. That is not cool. Normally I am MUCH more professional I promise.

I put this down to one thing; Sugar. Yes.

I didn’t want to write this post. I told my friend at work that I hadn’t been blogging as regularly lately because I felt guilty lying by omission. That if I didn’t tell you about my big bloated sugar belly, my tingly teeth or my ridiculous sugar intake that maybe it wouldn’t exist. I am conscious that people read this stream-of-consciousness/drivel. Enough of you have been in contact to say you do, or taken the time to tell me in person, and it’s really special to hear. So I thank you from the heart of my bottom and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry because for the past four weeks I’ve been living a lie. (Duuun dun dun) Easter was too much for me and I am now spiraling in to a sugar induced grump fest. And I have been trying to find things to write about that mean I don’t have to mention the brownie crumbs on my 5 o’clock shadow and the cup of tea with real milk I am slurping all over myself. I am trying.

I got up this morning before the sun rose and took the dog for a run. My first one in WEEKS. I had boiled eggs on toast for breakfast. With butter. And Coffee. Damn. And I followed it with a GF brownie chaser. What the fuck? Ok, I can come back from that. I packed a savoury lunch of chicken curry. Right. Be good. Be positive. Stop self harming with food. This shit isn’t good for you grrl, Nourish not Punish.

Waiting for lunch I decided to walk up the road with my friend (the very one who insisted that you guys want to read about me fucking up like this because we can all relate so I am doing it). I was going to get a bottle of water because a side effect of all this shite in my diet is that I am thirsty all the time. I get to the cafe and buy ginger crunch and a coffee. Excuse me?

So for lunch I had ginger crunch and a trim flat white. And then after work for afternoon tea, the school supplied snacks – apple and cheese – dairy and high fructose. For dinner, because the non gf staff ate all of the gf food supplied I had grapes, a mandarin and gf brownie for dinner. High fructose, high fructose, sugar and dairy. The poor woman who runs our school cafe was mortified because she had made this food especially and she kept pressing this gf cake on me – what could I do? I ate the fruit and cake. Happily. Because I had an excuse.

The lovely, patient, solo parenting Dutchman made me dinner at short notice and I am now full of greens, potatoes and sausages. And sugar. My teeth are tingling, my body feels bleurgh. I am suffering but I am stuck in the cycle. So every day I will get up and every day I am going to try again. Tomorrow I am going to have green tea – if any hot drinks at all. Coffee is a gateway drink. I know the GD will read this so he won’t offer me coffee. I am going to have a smoothie for brekkie so I am not hungry and I am not going to buy anything to eat.

These are the conditions I have set for myself. For tomorrow. To start again. Again.