144 – now with musical accompaniment.

Indulge me; as you read this, click on this link and have the song playing while you read. This song was my soundtrack coming down the hill towards the Harbour bridge, in the half-light of dusk, rain and wind whipping at the car, car lights all I can see, enjoying the drive home.

I have had a lovely day, mooching around the GF and Allergy show – it was busy! My friend Alissa and I are a well-oiled machine – we go in, do a loop – trying all the delicious looking samples. Then we do a second loop and maybe buy one thing? Usually not much because a lot of the stuff there you can get at the stupidmarket. I bought an apple pie because I haven’t had one in 5 years. I didn’t have breakfast because I knew I would be trying all the things. Many samples were had.

Then we headed up the hill to see Nana. I dropped the lads off at Mums because she is in a new place and its much bigger and crazier than her previous places. It is not nice to see her unhappy and in yet another facility, with yet another group of hard-working, friendly but stretched carers. She is fragile and she is our girl and if she was look-after-able at home we would have her at home but she isn’t and she doesn’t understand that and it breaks our heart.

I guess I was feeling a few feelings on the way home because my thoughts went to Eulogies. I don’t know if this is weird but I write eulogies in my head for people I love fairly regularly. I think about the best words to describe the person I love, the best way to honour their memory and the best way to say goodbye. Tonight I started with Nana, then the GD (mentally ticking off the songs he has booked in my head – Mark Lanegan and Tom Waits feature heavily) and then I laughed thinking about what people would say about me. ‘She was a dedicated teacher, a loving mother and a disobedient wife. She had a fabulous wardrobe, too many shoes to count and was bloody hard to feed’.

As we pulled in to our drive nearly an hour after we set off, the two lads asleep in their seats and the neighbourhood dark and smelling of wood fires – I reflected that I am happy and loved and lucky to be me. It is important to sit still occasionally and remember these things. It is easy to get bogged down in the daily busy-ness of day-to-day living, whole weeks rushing past like I’ve got no control and this weekend has been good for sitting still.

I don’t want to be a sad old lady at the end of my life wondering what I did with my time. If I do take after Nana and get stuck in my head, circling round and round in my memories, I want the bank to be full of love and laughter.

Now. Apple pie. Fuck yes.

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