When I went to school in Olympia, And everyones the same – We look the same, we talk the same….

There are a lot of ‘A’ words.





But no other A word has featured as much in my work and life lately as the big one. Anxiety.

In my daily dealings with the wonderful and inspiring youth of tomorrow, when they actually came to me in my office; to have ‘casual chats’ or confess their latest sin – ‘forgive me mama Becker for I have sinned…’, or simply to check in with me because we had an agreement – no one word was uttered more frequently than Anxiety.

Let’s do the oxford thing and define it officially;

1 [uncountable] anxiety (about/over something) the state of feeling nervous or worried that something bad is going to happen. Acute/intense/deep anxiety. Some hospital patients experience high levels of anxiety. Waiting for exam results is a time of great anxiety.

Which sounds sounds largely intellectual – but also let’s define it physiologically, shall we? (according to WebMD of course);

It depends on the type of anxiety disorder, but general symptoms include:
  • Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness.
  • Problems sleeping.
  • Cold or sweaty hands or feet.
  • Shortness of breath.
  • Heart palpitations.
  • Not being able to be still and calm.
  • Dry mouth.
  • Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet.

The nasty thing about Anxiety, it seems, is that it is different for every single person that experiences it. And a lot of the time, anxiety’s first approach might manifest itself in a full blown panic attack. Which feels like you will die. And that’s never cool.

My grrls might not have been able to get out of bed for school. Or hand in an assessment on the due date, even though they had been working on it and it was finished. They may have stopped eating. Or showering, or speaking to their friends.

I could tell you about anxious moments in my life where I worried I would vomit/fall over/ black out, or do something else inappropriate when I needed to do a public speech, and you could all relate to that I’m sure – even those of you who are hardened public speakers will feel me. We all have an intellectual understanding of Anxiety.

And there is the normal everyday anxiety that goes with taking two small boys to ANY FORMAL OCCASION (that I believe is universal), and has led to many public displays of marginal, if not a little shouty, parenting: ‘NO YOU CANNOT TAKE YOUR TROUSERS OFF RIGHT NOW THE BRIDE IS ABOUT TO SAY HER BIT – SIT DOWN!’

We have been invited to fewer and fewer weddings.

There is the anxiety that hits you the morning after a big night out, when you are piecing together the fragments of the evening and trying to remember if you did indeed accuse all of your friends of having White Male Privilege, lecture them about what they could do to help the ‘downtrodden masses’, and make one of them cry in the process. (Authors note – they are white, AND male, and DO have inherent privilege, and bloody well would do well to own it, EVEN if they grew up in west Auckland, and I don’t think they have forgiven me yet so my social life is slow tbh).

And that morning after regret is enough to scupper some people. I have been known to hide from the world for weeks at a time after a lovely – a fucking lovely – evening out with my loved ones, and it is not until one of them says ‘nah don’t be a dick you were SO fine’ that the sick feeling has left me and I am able to face the world.

And there is anxiety that leads to self-harming, depression, disordered eating, self-medication (alcohol or drug abuse) suicide and a myriad of other harmful behaviours. It fucking sucks balls. And it takes real strength to ask for help and to take oneself to an appropriate agency to get help, or to ask a trusted person to do that for them.

The tricky thing for ‘the people’ to discern is whether you are dealing with this bitch who just wishes she never got so drank or someone who genuinely needs your immediate and loving help. I have a rule I follow to figure this out and it has never let me down;


Whether you understand it or not, whether they have an experience that matches yours or you ‘believe’ in mental health issues (what the fuck? You don’t get to ‘believe in this shit because it’s SCIENCE but I’ve heard all the shit), whether you think it is an ‘appropriate’ response to a situation or not, whether you have a human heart beating in your fucking chest or not – you take that shit seriously.

Because. That person who told you they feel anxious? Or they ‘have anxiety? They fucking trusted you with that shit. And believe me, when you are up in your head feeling all anxious and shit; When you are eating ALL the food or NO FOOD at all? When the thought of leaving your bed makes you physically ill or you can’t look in the mirror for fear of what you see looking back at you – if you are the one they choose someone to talk to about that shit they are working SO HARD to take care of themselves. They are reaching out, facing fear – they are basically Bruce Willis in Die Hard (How hot was he in that? bald and everything? wtf?). You respect that shit.

I know I haven’t covered everything, I am NOT a psychologist, or a doctor or a counsellor or anyone who is normally trusted to talk about any of this stuff. I am merely a hooman, who has chatted with other hoomans and I have opinions.

I have a terrible feeling my eldest already feels the niggle in his bones, and I hope that if he lives in a house where we talk about it openly, and take it all seriously he will find support in his parents. There is no miracle cure I know, and everyone will find their way and you bet I’m gonna be there to prop him up if he needs me.

Because I am a responsible human being here are some places you can get support if you want it/need it – also if you don’t want/need it I know these places NEED you support so send them five bucks au.

I fucking love you guys. Take care.


National helplines

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Healthline – 0800 611 116

Samaritans – 0800 726 666

Depression-specific helplines

Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 (to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions)

www.depression.org.nz – includes The Journal online help service

SPARX.org.nz –  online e-therapy tool provided by the University of Auckland that helps young people learn skills to deal with feeling down, depressed or stressed

Sexuality or gender identity helpline

OUTLine NZ – 0800 688 5463 (OUTLINE) provides confidential telephone support

Helplines for children and young people

Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat

thelowdown.co.nz – or email team@thelowdown.co.nz or free text 5626

What’s Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, 1pm–10pm and weekends, 3pm–10pm. Online chat is available 7pm–10pm daily.

Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 (0800 kidsline) aimed at children up to 14 years of age; 4pm to 6pm weekdays

Mid winter resolutions

I have a new doctor. This is significant because I have limped along with a series of absolutely USELESS doctors for the last four years – different every time – in an effort to stay with my clinic which was highly recommended because it is holistic. In an effort to find balance and health care that wasn’t too toxic and blah blah blah my cringing hipster self put up with sub-par health care, lazy disinterested locums and EXTREMELY high fees. (think $145 for 20 minutes one time!).

What finally made my mind up to leave was my last email exchange, with a new receptionist where I tried to book a long overdue appt (my fault not theirs) and they needed to charge me double because it was all new Docs since I was last there and it would be like an ‘initial consultation’.  I should have left the last time I got bloods and they didn’t bother to send me my results until I finally asked for them weeks later. I should have left the millions of times I said to various doctors that I was having issues – visible issues – with my skin, unexplained constant weight gain, stomach pain etc all since going gluten free – and all they did was tell me not eat yet another thing. I should have left when they took my kids off the books because they hadn’t been in in a while (and been able to charge us money) I’m sorry my kids are generally healthy. AND – you guessed it – it would have cost another enrolling fee to get them back on. So I finally did.

And my new doctor is great! In half an hour she did more for me – asked more questions and gave me more explanations – than I’ve had in years at the old place and I finally feel like there might be light on the horizon! Wahay!

So, I’m all revved up and raring to go (sort of, I mean I bathed and napped on Tuesday and nothing else and I have no guilt whatsoever) I am heading out there and running again (3 times this week plus boot camp so there), I’ve quit sugar (again) and am quitting booze (again) AFTER my grrl visits to help me celebrate tattoo finishing session on Saturday. Again, again, again. But you know – with the twin pronged approach with the Doc helping me medically I might actually see results this time! Instead of denying myself ALL THE GOOD THINGS and still feeling crappy which was my downfall last year. And I will try to blog too. Not just about the boring self-centered woe is me coeliac stuff but also about my sub-par parenting and fashion fails. You love it.

Now all I have to do is get through the last few days of the hell of school holidays (my youngest has not raised his voice above a whine in DAYS and this Mamabear is ready to snap) and settle back in to school and maintain good habits. Wish me luck!

Day 70 – a cry for help


Last night I ate so much fruit that I was in agony. I had told myself that buying nectarines and plums on the way home was better than buying chocolate or wine – which was what I wanted – and that I was doing myself a favour. I purposefully ignored the high fructose factor because I was feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I was missing out. I was tired and needed something to energise me. I told myself that actually, I have been not eating certain things for so long that my gut is probs sweet bro, eat away, you’ll be fine. I am very easily persuaded. And I am also very convincing. It’s a terrible combination.

Within half an hour I looked 7 months pregnant under my dress, I had to go lie down because I was hurting so bad and I was worried that I had actually done permanent damage.

All because my immune system can’t recognise food for what it is and attacks things randomly causing me pain and discomfort. Because my gut lining is so damaged from years of gluten exposure that even though I had my diagnosis of CD and went GF two years ago it might as well have been yesterday for all that it has healed. And because I knew all of this and still put something inside me that was potentially going to do me damage.

I beat myself up all night about it and then went out in a panic to find lunch today in my thirty minute break and bought more fruit. What the ACTUAL fuck man. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistake twice and expecting different results. I am doing this to myself. Compulsively.

I need to stop eating fruit and start having a lie down. I need to take a year off work and travel around the hot places of the world, not eating fruit, taking photographs and somehow being paid for it. I need the grumpy Dutchman to stage an intervention and take all of the fruit out of the house. I need to stop eating in the car. I need to figure out how to get my kids to stay in their own beds for the whole night. I need to figure out how to jam three more hours in my day – preferably between classes – so I can do some actual Deaning while I am at school and not try to fit it in around the edges. I need.

I need.

I need WINE.


Day 51 – TGIF

Grumpy cat is happy on friday

Friday friday, thank fuck it’s Friday! And because things aren’t still completely up and running at work I got to leave early-ish at 4. I was driving home and thinking, beautiful day; glass of wine by myself out the back in the sun before all the boys get home.

Oh yeah. That’s right. I don’t drink this year.

And actually, I had such a bad ear-ache from the too cold air-con at work that when I thought about it I realised that I didn’t actually want a glass of wine – I wanted a lie-down. Progress. If it had been last year, I would have come home and poured a cold, crispy, refreshing glass of Sav – and instantly my headache would have gotten worse. Instead – and I can’t believe I’m admitting this – I lay down, downed two full glasses of water and cruised around on the interwebs for a while… My ear-ache receded dramatically. Who’da thunk it?

Have you seen ‘The Katering Show‘? Oh my god. These women get me. I lost an hour of my life watching them and laughed and laughed and laughed. Even the GD cracked a smile. Kate McCartney is an australian version of me. Watch it.

Because it was friday and we are lazy, we got fish and chips for dinner. FYI Gluten-free fish and chips leave you feeling just as bloated and greasy as non gluten-free fish and chips. I sent the (very) grumpy Dutchman to The Ancient Mariner in Mt Eden because they have a dedicated gluten-free fryer. I told myself that it would be different this time. That I wouldn’t regret it because they understand me. They GET cross-contamination. I lied.


Looking forward to a kid-free day tomorrow doing errands – I might finally post the xmas parcels to the nieces and nephews! They’ll have given up waiting so it’ll be an even more pleasant surprise… at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Day 50 – DH

As I lay down this afternoon to get my lashes filled, I instinctively put my hand up to shield my forehead and eyebrows and apologised to the lovely woman about how ‘gross’ I was. She naturally said ‘what are you talking about?’ in that wonderful way that beauty professionals have – no matter what state you present in – they tell you you are lovely, but I still felt self-conscious.

This is weird in itself because – it really is true what people tell you – the older I get, the better I feel about myself. These days I can leave the house with hair dishevelled, legs fuzzy, no make-up (I never wear make-up these days), trackies and a singlet and I still feel the hottest thing since sliced bread. This would not have been true ten years ago. Ten years ago I would have slunk out as if apologetic for my existence – and to feel ‘ok’ enough to feel attractive would have depended heavily on time of the month, gym up keep and careful prep. I based my worth on what other folks thought of me and that was a constant slippery slope of trying to please everyone around me. I am def enjoying the freedom and confidence that comes with being older, more experienced, and just not giving a shit what other folks think anymore. I am either going to be really obnoxious at 90 or really rock and roll if I keep going at this rate ha ha.

And yet. Since my Coeliacs diagnosis I have been Gluten free for two and bit years, and like my ‘about’ page says, I have felt worse since. I put on weight no matter what I do, I suddenly struggled with stabbing and random gut ache most days but what had me down most was my skin and it’s seemingly sudden complete break down. I have always have ‘sensitive’ skin. I have never worn foundation or moisturiser on my skin because without fail I break out within an hour of putting it on. I don’t like the way it feels – like my face is suffocating.

In the last ten years or so I have gotten very small blisters all over my hands when stressed or in the darkroom too much. I had alway assumed it was because I had reached a ‘maximum’ level of toxicity in my system. Nearly 20 years in the darkroom, trailing my hands through chemicals and my art school antics, I figured had screwed me and made me sensitive to the world.

Since going GF though, not only do my hands still have their moments – and it is definitely stress related BUT now my face seems to be the hotspot. All the skin on my eyebrows, forehead, chin and around my nose peels off almost daily. It sounds like it looks gruesome – and it doesn’t thank god. I go bright red in an instant – and take ages to get ‘normal’ again (I can’t wear lipstick anymore because my face always clashes with the colour). I can’t walk ten metres without looking like I ran a marathon. My face is itchy and scratchy and I pick and scratch like a meth addict. It makes me paranoid when I am talking to anyone up close, and I have tried SO many things to ‘fix’ it. You name it I have tried it. Giving up Dairy is meant to significantly improve it and it seemed to be doing so for a wee while, but now it’s come back with a vengeance.

I use gluten-free shampoo and conditioner and stopped washing my face with anything but warm water and good clean flannel. I take Zinc, and fish oil and eat lots of good healthy fats. And yet.

There is something called ‘Dermatitis Herpetiformis’ which is associated with Coeliacs, (not herpes or dermatitis according my confusing source but rather a chronic ‘skin condition’ related to damage in the gut);  ‘Like coeliac disease, DH is treated with a lifelong gluten-free diet. It may take about six months to achieve moderate improvement in the skin condition and up to two years or more to achieve total control by diet alone, meaning that the skin response is much slower compared to the healing of the intestines with coeliac disease‘. This does not fill me with joy. And to be honest I don’t think this is my issue. My skin is not covered in small liquid filled blisters – and DH presents, er, lower down Legs, bum etc), usually after a glutening. Not on the face.

My skin is fucked all the time. I flake off on to anything I am wearing and am constantly conscious of my red face. I wear a fringe – not only because it looks hot duh – but because it covers my forehead and it’s sad, peeling, dry skin.

So, although my gut feels better, I don’t look as pregnant anymore and I feel like my weight is ‘settling’ since I went everything-free, I am still waiting to see an improvement in my skin. Although I am doing this ‘year of health’ to heal my gut, I would very much like to see my face settle down to a nice pasty, pakeha-white and not look sunburned or flushed all the time.

Wow downer man. Sorry peeps.

Day 49 – Hump day.

Today after a long day which included sitting on the motorway for the better part of two hours to visit Nana, I was in the stupidmarket shoe-less (blister from my heels) getting zucchini (which they didn’t bloody have – my kingdom for a courgette!) when a woman looked at my bare feet sideways. Apparently I have no filter when I’m tired because I turned around and said ‘Normally by now I’d have my bra off too!’. Choice.

I have leg aches…. running up and down my thighs and shins…. It turns out I wasn’t as clean and green as I thought I was because I may be experiencing withdrawal symptoms….. although withdrawal from what?

But it’s not all bad – I finally paid off two of my laybys and got a little retail therapy rush. I actually think it was better than a sugar rush. And I don’t say that lightly friends. But it really is a special feeling. Or maybe I’m just shallow!

Anyhoo – take care of y’all, this feels like a long week, but we only have two days to go!

Day 20 – dis-organisation = cravings

Am getting a bit antsy for snacks and sugar. It definitely didn’t help that the fruit I have been having has been kicking off the cravings again. I think I have been looking for a pick me up in the mornings and have been reaching for the smoothies instead of having the cooked breakfasts I should be planning for myself.

Raspberries, Cashews, Avocado, Almond milk, and Frozen banana - Thanks to Cath for the recipe :-)
Raspberries, Cashews, Avocado, Almond milk, and Frozen banana – Thanks to Cath for the recipe 🙂

So tomorrow – in between getting my hair did, my lashes filled and going to work for a few hours – I am going to get the Pete Evans cook book that features lots of gluten and dairy and sugar-free recipes. Will also be (hopefully) getting heaps of recipes from the ‘I quit Sugar’ program which I am signing up for tonight.  I will let you know how that goes, and whether it is worth trying it out for yourself – IMO anyway. There is a lot of hype around the program and I know that quitting sugar is the cool thing right now – for lots of good reasons – but what appealed to me about this program was the shopping lists and meal plans you get each week – and they can tailor them to be Gf and DF too. So it’s just another crutch for me for days like today when I am feeling weak and wanting to ‘just have a taste’ from the jar of nutella in the cupboard…

Outside of cravings and the usual, today was a rest day – I counted our walk and swim this afternoon as my exercise – but I am looking forward (as always) to boot camp tomorrow morning. Hopefully the new girl will come back and she can see that I’m just a really awkward, friendly, non-psycho who likes to meet new fun excercisey boot-camp people.. from a distance… and just grins weirdly…

Holla to y’all.

Day 19 – settling the butterflies

Boot camp didn’t hurt so bad this morning. It helps that I’m a nosy bitch and a new woman started this morning and I coulda sworn I knew her. But…. She could have also have been off Shortland st or something. I’m always asking people where I know them from only to discover that I’m talking to an All Black or a ‘world famous in NZ’ actor or similar. Embarrassing. So I didn’t say Hi, for fear of being a dick… just watched all covertly and stalkerly and probably she won’t be back because of the creep in the fluro orange top…

It was boxing this morning and I was paired up with Simon which was good because he works hard and although he declined to ‘knock me off my feet’ as requested by the instructor (ha ha Nicole), he doesn’t hold back. And for the first time in four days I don’t hurt sitting down and standing up again – yay! Getting back in to the swing of things again and it feels good.

This post isn’t about food, although Alissa and I went to Kokako – a cafe I had forgotten about but it’s a Gf and DF gem and I totally recommend it – it is more about being good to yourself and balancing work/fun/relaxing to relieve the tension. I have had butterflies in my gut for the last few days and it isn’t helped by some unhappy results for my senior girls. It was getting worse and I know the only thing that can help – work. Sorting out the year ahead and shooing out the butterflies. But I’m gonna ease my way in to it.

So today Master 7 and I went to work for the first three hours of the day. He sat in the meeting room and got completely screen stoned on Minecraft videos (7 year old heaven) while I went though the piles of paper on my desk. All I managed to do today was sort paper but it was a start – and my office mate will be pleased when I finally clear some of the junk. And tomorrow I will go in and delete emails. ALL the emails. I get a ‘your outlook is full’ message EVERY day. I’m not even exaggerating. It takes hours to do even make a dent. Hours.

And then, after a lovely lunch and catch up, me and the boy went to the beach. Just us, no phones or distractions, just me and the dude. We built a sand castle, I sat on the beach and watched him frolic, I sun bathed, and paddled and eventually (once the tide came in) went in the water and had my first swim of the season. I know – but better late than never. It was bliss. The water was so warm and the sun was so hot and there was hardly anyone else there because it was a week day. So we are going to do it every day this week; we might even invite the grumpy Dutchman and the littlest dude, but maybe we won’t because all of us together can start to fuck with my bliss.

It was a reminder that part of my ‘Year of health’ is also the stress relieving, the work life balance, and taking time out. I needed to go to work for my sanity, but I can keep my own hours this week and balance is the key. I need to hang with my little men – preferably one at a time so I don’t lose my mind – and believe it or not this is all good for my gut.

So if you are looking for me any afternoon this week, you’ll find me lying around on the beach getting my tan on, maybe reading my book, but mostly watching master 7 make friends with all the kids on the beach and enjoying this amazing summer.

Take care of you.

Day four. Summer BBQ with friends and not drinking today

So I know I’ve been pregnant twice, and both times it was through some summer months, and we hung out with our friends and went to BBQ’s and all the time I wasn’t drinking. Well duh. And it SO wasn’t hard. No I mean it – I know some of my friends have really suffered a lot of summer envy with the whole not-drinking-cos’-I’m-making-a-person thing and couldn’t wait for the little person to come shooting out their vaginas into nappies and their cot to blissfully sleep while Mummy had a cool, crisp glass of wine….. but not me. I couldn’t even look at booze for the first four months of both pregnancies and that was enough to flick the switch. It was like I was a beer/wine virgin and didn’t know how good it was – therefore didn’t miss – to sit in the sun with friends and relax over a cold one.

Today felt different. And obvs it was different from being pregnant in a myriad of ways – I didn’t have to avoid the seafood and wasn’t able to balance my glass on my belly (although close!), the grumpy Dutchman wasn’t wringing his hands with future worry about money and being awake all night with ANOTHER baby (why?! why would you?! he ask me every time I mention maybe having a third child). And it was different from all those times I have done the Febfast or similar too.

This time, I couldn’t replace my drink with juice or fizzy drink – because no sugar. I wasn’t eating fruit or snacking away like crazy on cheese and crackers – because none of those things either. And I wasn’t socially smoking to keep my hands busy because DUH year of HEALTH. And actually I noticed today that the GD is the only one of the group still smoking – must be time to give it up babe!

I drank 1.5 litres of sparkling water though. I pissed like a pregnant woman. And I thought about wine A LOT. And Beer. And Cider. And all those cold delicious summer beverages. Oh how I wanted one. And I told myself that this time next year I would have one and goddamnit it would be good. I only ate the food we brought with us because I’m special needs – and I felt terrible because our friends are lovely and had made an effort to find GF treats that I could have too – so for the sake of full disclosure I will admit to having some corn chips (scratchy/crunchy) that Bruce and Ildi got specifically for me because they were GF. Our hosts made an effort too to keep the GF sausages separate right up until they got on to the BBQ when Mark forgot but he told me straight away and it was super fine because the GD had smoked a salmon to take with us and I was all over that ha ha.

photo (12)

We have a smoker and the GD does a really delicious smoked salmon, so we took that and my roasted vege salad and chips and sausies for the little lads. Our friends have a really cool house with multiple decks that all get the sun and our kids and the four dogs all ran around and had a cool ass time.

      photo 3 (2)    photo 4   photo 1 (4)

Although I have to say, that being sober and not at all ‘relaxed’ with a drink meant that I noticed when the lads were not behaving like perfect angels and probably got on their asses more than they liked.

The up side of not drinking; I am not falling asleep on the couch right now (it’s 7.30pm) and I have a clear head. I know that drinking all of that water could have only been a good thing. If not for my bladder. I did not say stupid things to my friends that I need to wake up and have a panic about the next day. I am giving my liver a break. No useless calories/sugar. And I wont feel like shite for boot camp tomorrow morning at 5.30am.

Yes you read correctly. Bootcamp has started and the alarm is set for 5.30 AM.

Wish me luck!

Day three, Yoga, grumpy and accidentally starving myself – not a great day

Started the day off with another Hot Yoga session, I woke up starving so broke my own new rule about fruit and had a banana before I went – unfortunately a sign of the day to come. The class was meant to be ‘Hot Focus’ and be an hour long; I thought I’d try something different to what I knew, but Bruce forgot he was teaching that one and just did a Bikram session anyway! My legs were aching from last time and I was def tired by the end. It doesn’t do much for ones self-esteem when you are surrounded by tall, lithe, ponsnobby types who all look fab in a sports bra and teeny tiny shorts. They bend like young saplings and you’d hardly know they were in the heat at all! I thought I’d join the club this time and went in a pair of running shorts but they were all wrong. Flapped around my legs and caught in horrible places – I was sure I was flashing folks my nether regions when I bent over for the hamstring stretches. It really is remarkable how much shorter and ‘solid’ I am than anyone else in these classes. Not good for a PMS’ing mamabear!

I was STARVING by the time I got home, so went into full brunch mode – I made a favourite savoury combo that I had seen on Nadia Lim’s Facebook page; sparrowgrass, poached eggs, smoked salmon and I added some of my fave avocado/tomato/basil combo. YUM YUM YUM. Recommend this one to all.

The lads were set on going fishing but while they were getting ready I was so tired from yoga that I crawled back into bed! Out like a light until Master 7 came in to show me some minecraft map upload that he wanted me to sort out for him.

photo (11)

Fishing took longer than I anticipated and I had not planned and brought any food with me. The littlest lad was getting tired and bored so I used him as an excuse and offered to walk back to where we had parked the car thinking I could get some food on the way. Man. That was when I realised I was starving AGAIN and had nothing on me. I couldn’t think about what to get to eat – not dairy so no cheese or milk, no nuts or chips and was running out of ideas. I stopped at the Seamart thinking I might be able to get smoked fish or something but it was too late in the day, and it all looked manky. Next I tried a Dairy and I ended up buying a can of ‘chop chop chicken’ in smoked flavour. For FIVE bucks!

I had second thoughts about the gluten-free-ness and general happiness of the chicken in the can – didn’t sound very nourishing when I thought about it closer…. So basically I starved. And it sucked. We didn’t get home until four thirty and I had eaten last at eleven and I was grumpy and head-achey and tired. I randomly grazed on stuff, including a ‘healthy gf’ biscuit that shouldn’t have been included for its sugar content, and now I am grumpy and tired and disappointed in myself.

Lesson learned. Must prepare myself better when I go out – and I must do some research on snacks I can carry that aren’t nuts, crackers, fruit or dairy. Fuck that’s hard. A grrl can only eat so many boiled eggs 😉

What I did get today – quality time with the family. Watching the GD and Master 7 bond over fishing, hanging with the littlest lad as we walked. Not to mention day sleeping! I LOVE nana naps in the holidays – I never used to be able to sleep during the day but that all changed once I had kids ha ha.

SHould go now and help with dinner tonight – we are BBQ’ing – The GD got a new BBQ and so far we have eaten off it each night and it is the best! Don’t you love summer BBQ’s? Tonight we are having lamb chops, chicken, wedges for the lads and various steamed veg.

Plan for tomorrow – go through all my helpful recipe sites and do some prep for the week. Snacks and emergency supplies for those days when I get caught out – a grrl should never be left Hangry – not safe for those around her!