I’m standing in the ditch. My shoes are ruined. My nails are broken and torn but I am determined to get the fucking wheels back on the wagon. The family is nearby but not talking to me. There was a short-lived moment where they LOVED me but I put paid to that with my wild mood swings and Tourette’s like outbursts.

Ok. The wagon doesn’t exist. My nails are immaculate as ever – natch. But it’s true that I have been a crazy unpredictable mamabear all weekend. Sorry I mean four days. Mostly I have been lovely. A little bit sweary but that’s normal. And I have been funny – I am funny. I made the GD laugh all weekend, a mean feat on a good day – I even made my Nana, in a psych ward because she’s so miserable – laugh when I called her anorexic. …Maybe that’s not a great example. But I have been ‘mostly’ nice and mostly funny and a little bit sweary.

It’s the lows that were scary. The bits where I crawled back in to bed in the middle of the day just to get some quiet Mummy time. The bits where I shouted at the top of my lungs that the boys were ‘hereby banned from our room FOREVER!’ and they just blithely carried on jumping on me and the book I wasn’t reading. (They aren’t scared of me. Really – why aren’t they scared of me?) The bit where I made a playlist of rock and roll hits and Snoop dogg especially for the boys one minute and then just wanted to listen to Frozen on repeat. That was a pretty low moment. FYI Frozen is now officially uncool in our house and when I was singing along the lads had me voted off the island.

It turned out that in a sick twist of fate the very same weekend I decided to give myself carte blanche to mindfully  ‘enjoy easter with my family’ I was, unknowingly premenstrual (and before you scoff ‘how could you not know?’ I have never kept track of this shit – I have too much to do alright? It always takes me by surprise and just seems to have it’s own schedule, one minute I’m happily floating along no worries and the next I am doubled over in pain and eating whole boxes of neurofen like they are lollies). I thought I could handle just one egg.

Just one little chocolate egg to celebrate the end of term and stuff. But I couldn’t handle that jandal. One little egg turned into convincing the grumpy Dutchman that he wanted to share his egg stash with me on Friday night. The next thing you know I’ve got my mum sharing her egg from the lads with me. Waiting until the kids went to bed so I could eat the secret creme egg I had hidden in the car. All I could think about all day was that creme egg sitting all by its lonesome in the glove box. All day.

Add to that coffee. FUCK I LOVE COFFEE. I couldn’t have hot cross buns without coffee could I? Sacrilege. I found some decent GF hot cross buns. So I have been having hot cross buns with butter on them with coffee. Coffee in an ‘UNT’ mug for the win. Ahhhhhhh coffee my old friend.

In terms of activities and stuff we have had a lovely weekend. I went paddle-boarding for the first time. Talk about blissing out. It was AMAZE. I NEED to go again. We (the four of us) spent quality time with the wider fam. We took the lads to the Easter show. We were lucky to get out alive. I only suggest it every year to see the farm animals but this year the poor piglets and lambs had a trapped wild-eyed look about them and I couldn’t enjoy their wooly wonderful snuffly-ness. The boys wanted to ride stuff and win stuff, the GD wanted to eat stuff and the rest of Auckland was jammed in there with us trying to do the same thing. Every time we put the boys in the car they tried this new thing they have where they each try to imitate a peacock in heat at the top of their lungs. Master 7 thinks it makes him sound like an electric guitar. It doesn’t. Weirdly this didn’t make me or the GD want to leave them on the side of the road – we laughed – but then, this makes sense because I was FUCKING HIGH ON ALL THE SUGAR.

And now I am not. I have however got a slow burn on thanks to this ginger loaf I am ‘finishing off’ before tomorrow. It’s keeping the edge off.

So. Tomorrow marks the beginning of the withdrawal again. Tomorrow I will start ‘crowding out’ the sugar cravings again with all the cooked veges. I will go back to rice milk in my smoothies. My hot drink of choice will once again be a green tea every couple of days. No more raw food. No more crunchy food. No more self harming with food. More quality time with my children outside. More running with the dogs. More reading of the books I have bought and never read.

I apologise in advance if my blog posts go to a dark place in the next few weeks.