Oh faaaaaark. I am one tired mother. Last night we had academic pathway interviews at school and I didn’t get home until after eight, this morning bounced out of bed (more like staggered) and was at boot camp by 6am. Add to that no sugar or coffee or dairy this week and I am a fucking zombie. I keep having to apologise to peeps this week as I yawn IN THEIR FACE while they are trying to impart vital information in my direction.
And you know how I was feeling bleurgh following those PMT thingys? Well one of the feelings that was lingering was the weight gain. I was feeling distinctly ‘pregnant’ and round which wasn’t fun and everyone I talked to said that I didn’t look any different – but remember my fave item of clothing at the moment is the silk sack. So anyway I bought a set of scales. I feel a bit ashamed to admit it.
I really wanted to subscribe to the whole ‘ Your body is not a number, feel good and be happy and ‘the weight will fall off’ blah blah blah. Stress and all that obsessive weighing being bad for your state of mind I totally get it. BUT the reality is that weight does NOT EVER fall off me. Some people lose weight when they are stressed – I am the opposite. I always have to work for it. I always have to watch my output (exercise) and input (food) and in order to stay comfy I need to be in a constant state of vigilance. Sounds tiring huh? Well it is actually. And the bloody GD is the opposite – he has to make sure he is eating ENOUGH because he does get too skinny – poor us huh. Worlds smallest violin.
I really wanted to believe that if I did yoga and ate what ‘my body wanted’ and did all that zen shit that I would find a natural ‘healthy weight’. Big FAT fail.
We know I failed at the yoga – who has time?!? I don’t have time. I am still boot camping, and I had to stop running for my poor old knee but I am going to try to work it up slowly (and carefully) back to being able to run 5 kms every second day.
And that PMT stuff definitely fucked with me.
So I bought scales. This morning before boot camp I stood on them. And then (think american teenager voice) I LITERALLY DIED.
I haven’t weighed myself since February, and it was a BIG shock. I am not going to tell you because numbers are boring but it was enough to have me tying my shoes on quick smart and running out the door for boot camp. I had grilled chicken and steamed veg for dinner and I have a goal motherfuckers.
I wish I could say that I feel invigorated but I think at the moment it’s a grit your teeth and go in hard type situation. I am shattered but I know that’s the sugar withdrawal and I will feel better in a couple of weeks. Someone remind me of this please in a week when I think I am dying?
You know, when one of my year 12’s greeted me at the door today with ‘Miss have you GAINED?’ (loud voice) a little part of me wanted to smack her. But it’s all motivation eh? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?
Day 40. I think what I was most anxious about when I embarked on this ‘year of health’ was that I would lose any ‘treats’ in my life, anything that was just for me – whether it be ‘grown up stuff’ (wine and a book) or just general, bloody-hard-day-at-work pick me ups like a morning or afternoon tea cake break.
Turns out it is tricksy to find something that feels like a treat when even fruit is notreally good for your tummy. Coyo has been revolutionary of course. If however I eat it all at once then I’m doing myself no good either. But of course, half of this is meant to be the other non-food side of the ‘healing’, the de-stressing etc. And I am struggling.
Getting to Yoga on the 3 days I am not at bootcamp is hard. For some reason Yogi’s don’t teach at convenient times. They don’t do 5/6am – 7am classes. They do 6.30am to 7.30am classes – where most people would be driving to work already before it’s finished. Or 4pm which is before most people leave work. Or of course – my favourite – 7pm, where most people are at home feeding their families (or in my case sitting on my ass waiting for the GD to feed me). And, although I have made it to some evening Yoga classes, they are usually the hour and a half classes, so I don’t get home until nearly 9pm and I miss my fam. It’s not all bad. Fuck I sound like a grinch lately. I love the Yin class on the Sunday – and if I can convince the GD to let me have Tuesday mornings I might be able to go from Yoga straight to work, but it’s a big ask really.
What we have been doing this week is walking. Mostly driven by my competitive side; the fact that I need to get to 84,000 fitbit steps this week, but something that we have been trying to put in a regular spot for ages. It is really nice to slowly wander round our lovely neighbourhood, letting Arty wee on stuff, while the lads babble, holding my grumpy man’s hand. Tonight I am 100 steps off my goal – and our walk consisted of walking up and down the street while Master four ‘rode’ his bike (daddy holding it upright for him while he refused to peddle) but to be honest I will do those steps just making my lunch for tomorrow and getting ready for bed.
So my goals this week;
I am going to try to get to Yoga at least twice.
I am also going to start one of the books I got in the mail.
I am going to go hang with my Nana and Grandad respectively.
I am going to survive our first full week back at school with actual teaching involved.
I am going to try to get to bed at a decent time.
I am going to enjoy hanging WITH my boys.
And maybe try to not to dress like an oversized toddler again – all day today all I wanted to do was come home and get changed.
Next step of sugar withdrawals…… as the headaches recede and the aches in my legs are more attributable to boot camp than the sugar, my skin is now breaking out. This is the next step if I remember correctly. I am SO pretty right now. Like a 17 year old before a date with her crush I am breaking out all over – mostly my decolletage which is fun for all those pretty summery dresses that are all strappy and loose – they basically scream look at my big pimples! I’m 36 and I’m breaking out like a teenager. Which goes really well with my permanently red face.
Which segueways nicely into Yoga – where I have an even redder face than normal – I tried a new class this morning, ‘more dynamic’ the lady said. Constant movement etc and ‘Strength and loving myself’. Lots of self love promoted. There was a guy in the back who sounded like he was really loving himself before class. He got there a few minutes before the rest of us and was doing a headstand when we all walked in. He then proceeded to have his own little yoga session before class, contorting himself, huffing and puffing and basically fucking with my savasna buzz. Here I am trying to centre myself and not focus on all the tall blonde yogis arriving in their teeny tiny pant and bras and trying to practice self love in not comparing my shorter rounder sweatier self to them and all I can hear is super keen guy in the back panting away and he tries to turn him self inside out. Dude.
But I liked it. It was a new one – it felt really challenging and after about 45 minutes I was ready for it to end but I could see how it was one that you could get better at. If I didn’t look directly at the instructor she wasn’t too intimidating – sitting really far away worked – and I could get my sweat on and make my tiny little adjustments and movements as we went.
So far so good.
What beautiful weather this weekend! This is proving to be a wonderful summer.
Urg. Sugar withdrawal is kicking in. And the Dairy and Sugar from Saturday night has manifested itself in a rash or red bumps/pimple things on my neck and shoulder and my face is SOOOO red. Feel pretty gross. So not pretty right now.
And on top of it all I have had a headache alllllllllllll day that I couldn’t shake. The sky is grey and it was cold too. I think the weather affects me more than I’d like. I don’t cope with grey skies very well.
On the positive – I had a lovely visit with my friend Cath and her two little lasses – they are super cutie cute and we had a lovely FREEZING walk round the Botanical gardens. I was going to go to Sumner and show myself around but it was too cold and I ended up in the mall….. I will try again tomorrow.
To try to ‘re-set’ I made us a delicious dinner – stir fried chicken and assorted veges. And I am currently fighting very strong cravings to eat ALL the fruit in the house. No fruit for me…. I need to get through the headaches and out the other side…..
It’s true – If you are a glass-of-wine-every-other-night kinda gal like me (or maybe one or two depending on your day) then it may not seem like much but seven days without your ‘mothers little helper’/alone time (whatever you call it) can feel like a month! BUT I find that once I’ve cracked seven days I can go on forever. I have stopped drinking before for various reasons, I took a year and a half off when I poisoned myself at 17 for example 😉 Since then I have randomly taken months and years off – mostly for health or training reasons or to find other ways to deal with stress. Today is day eight and I feel like it’s not an issue now. But then maybe that’s because it’s FREEZING in Christchurch and the thought of a wine in the sun feels very far away…
Really cold, I’m not joking. I got off the plane and my texts to Kris went ‘I’m here, I’ve got my bag where are you?’ then ‘FUCKING HELL it’s cold outside – WHERE are you?!’. Do you think I packed a jumper? a hoodie? a cardigan? oh hell no. What a dick. Because it was sweltering at home – and I hear all about Canterbury’s HOT dry summers so I assumed it would be hotter down here and just threw in my denim jacket as a ‘just in case’ we go out in the evening type deal.
So I walked the dog in my sister’s hoodie, and then risked it when I went to meet Cath for lunch in just my tee shirt and suffered the consequences. I met her at her house right in the middle of renovations – so exciting! My friend Cath understands my special food needs because it’s her specialty – and therefore knew I’d need a cafe for lunch that could cater to that – and we went to the perfect place. A little cafe where they have GF, DF and vegan options and they ALL look delicious. I had potato and kumara rosti with delicious mushrooms and a poached egg on the side – full until dinner time!
Just around the corner from Cath’s place is a Salvation Army and I trawled through the clothes, bleurgh, and then spied a table piled high with beautiful old school Kiwi made Kaiapoi wool blankets – yes please! I restrained myself and only got three – but enough I think to cover the massive horrible (now after being climbed on by the boys) cushions we have on our couch at home. Then, when we move to our fantasy home when we win lotto, and get the large couch to go in the large, light-filled airy room we will have beautiful kiwi made cushions covers in beautiful soft colours. Ahhhhhhh bliss.
Finding my way around Christchurch got slightly easier (I did get lost going to Caths – twice) and I made my way to Kris’s work in town and went for a wander around Restart container mall etc. I bought a grey marle Huffer Hoodie. YUM. (on sale darling don’t worry) because I was SO cold that I was going blue. Also I think I flashed all of Ballantynes my knickers as I went up the escalator….
I am looking forward to having a bit of a road trip to check out some of the nearby towns and see the sights. So far so relaxing. The only thing that could improve it is the sun! Come on weather sort yourself out eh?