186 – Day one of Re-set

It’s the first official day of the holidays. I have been telling myself that I will quit sugar again properly once the holidays came, when I had time to go through the withdrawal shit all over again and could lie around being in pain (because it does suck that bad for the first week).

Also, I am SUPER tired, my period just started and I spent the day at school marking lacklustre work that does not AT ALL represent the enthusiasm that the class showed when they were actually in front of me.

My tummy hurts, my back hurts and my head is starting to hurt. I have spent all day replacing sugar with carrots and potatoes. No really – at 3pm the slump kicked in and I was following my eldest boy around in a daze (he came to school with me – my children NEVER stop talking – seriously) and all I could think about was how bad it was that I couldn’t go get a quick fix and then I remembered that I knew about one GF fish and chips place in Mt Eden – hot chips heaven. Scratched the itch! (My friend has given up sugar successfully using the Potatoes not Prozac plan and when you have a read through it makes sense – if you are thinking about it and Sarah Wilson and her bright shiny following don’t appeal check it out here www.radiantrecovery.com some good reading.)

So far I feel good – I have a cup of white tea in front of me instead of choccie biscuits and the sugar cravings are real but I feel in control of them. I spent a lovely day hanging with my eldest – me marking and him taking the dog on adventures round the school, him watching endless Minecraft videos until I wouldn’t let him anymore and generally being 5 days away from eight and full of energy and excitement for his birthday. I made a really yummy dinner (potatoes featured heavily) and I have found the best new show to watch on Netflix – have you seen Grace and Frankie? It is so good. Lots of feels.

Anyhoo – I am buggered and my tea is getting cold so I’m off to bed. Day two tomorrow. Feeling positive peeps!

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167

I have had one of those days where you go ‘oh yeah that’s what I do’.

It started with a sick feeling in my gut because that was what I had to do today – define what I do as a Dean at the Board of Trustees meeting this evening. It felt like a big deal – and I didn’t quite know where to start which is why I was starting the day of the meeting having not done my homework. All of the Deans presented – we all had to explain our focus for the cohort and then what we do well and what our challenges are and how the could BOT help us. It’s one of those things where you have to really think – what the hell do I do all day?! And although I think we did a really good job of starting to outline the job – inevitably I left feeling like I hadn’t really covered it all.

For example, today I taught for most of the day and two of those classes I hadn’t met before so it was teacher-talk heavy. I prepped for them in my five minute breaks between classes. As I was driving to school I got three texts from students booking out my ‘free’ period for the day – each student with different concerns. When I arrived at my office to start these appointments I got a phone call to say that I had an irate parent at the front desk who had arrived without an appointment and wanted to meet with me now. I managed to put him off for half an hour so I could meet with the students but it meant working through lunch again and no prep for the next class. I spent my last period of the day helping a student write a victim impact statement for a court appearance she has coming up that she was feeling really nervous about.

After school I started writing the report for the BOT. Our part of the meeting went from 5:30 to 7pm and then I headed home. Master 4 had gone to sleep already and Master 7 wasn’t far off. The grumpy Dutchman had made delicious dinner and it was slowly going cold on the bench.

This is not a pity post. This is my job – and for the most part I really enjoy it. It does suck on the odd occasion when I get home and the lads are asleep but that doesn’t happen very often.

Mostly this post is to remind myself of my day so that I can fully appreciate that the sugar cravings – that are so bad I am contemplating going out to the dairy – are simply a result of exhaustion and a need for bed. I need to change into my jammies and go crawl in to bed between my snoring little laddies so I can get up tomorrow good to go again. Tomorrow will be quieter.

Tomorrow is hump day all over again – where are the weeks going?!

132 – bleurgh

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Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I’m fucked. Sorry for the potty mouth straight out of the gate. But man. I am faaaaaaarked. A combination of hard-core work stuff, extra grumpy Dutchman (not smoking so he’s SO grumpy) and sugar withdrawal. I am not sure how I am sitting here right now awake after 8pm.

That’s a lie, I do know how I am still awake. The GD went and bought cigarettes didn’t he, and in his guilt(?) he has offered to go and get something sweet for me to have with my cup of tea after the boys are asleep. I am waiting for this treat to materialise in front of me. Because I’m weak. And although I nearly died from my head-splitting headache on Thursday – first day without sugar – and have suffered since; and I when I talked about it I said stuff like ‘the headaches are good because it reminds me what I have started and what I don’t want to start again‘ and other optimistic things. But I am weak.

I bought myself pity chocolates on Mothers day because no one else had. I received beautiful hand drawn cards from my children but apparently I am still a four year old at heart and wanted a ‘proper’ present. It was just an excuse. I ate them all over the course of the afternoon and evening (a small box mind you). And I was kind to myself but disappointed. Because I had survived three days added sugar-free at that point. Not fruit or high fructose free but all of the added crap.

There are side effects to the lapse in diet of course. I have a preggy belly again, and the silk muu-muus are good but I have seen my students looking sideways at me again and I can feel a ‘Are you pregnant miss?’ coming. My skin is farked. My energy levels are all over the place and I am slower at boot camp. My head is covered in allergic sores under my hair. I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. These are all good reasons to stick at it.

I am eating better though in general, and am resolved to be sugar-free again by Friday. Wish me luck!

Day 99 – school holiday hell

It speaks to the state of your parenting when you go to a Psych ward – with actual unwell people in it – and the most out of control people there are your children. And no matter how delicately a threat I posed or delicious the bribe I offered they blithely ignored me and my distress at their wild animal antics. Luckily the birthday grrl – Nana – was completely oblivious and the only person who noticed their antics was the wide-eyed, quiet, perfectly behaved 10 year old – my cousins daughter – who clearly had not seen anything quite like them. That’s right – I was so grumpy that I allowed myself to be shamed (in my head) by a perfectly lovely child. Who was behaving perfectly. And not at all like an animal.

Nana didn’t notice of course. Mostly she just wanted to tell us how much her birthday had sucked so far and how she couldn’t eat the birthday cake that Mum had thoughtfully provided. (A big thanks to Mum for not getting a GF one – she normally would bust her ass trying to find something I could eat but this time she was too busy and it was perfect because if it was GF I would have EATEN IT ALL).

Conversation went round in circles with Nana in the middle ‘Has everyone had a piece of cake?’ Yes Nana. ‘I’ll have my piece tomorrow because I’m unwell’ we know Nana. ‘Have the boys had a piece of cake?’ Yes Nana (Boys look hopeful at their great Nana). ‘It’s my birthday and I’ve had a sore tummy all day, it’s not fair’ We know Nana that truly sucks. ‘Has everyone had a piece of cake?’. Yes Nana. ‘Your mother got me this beautiful necklace…. am I wearing it Kathleen?’. Yes Nana it’s lovely. ‘Do the boys want a piece of cake?’ ‘Has anyone seen my necklace?’ And so on. It was good to see her. She has been allowed out of the 24 hour watch bit and is now allowed to mingle with the others. She usually waits until one of the other women or men walk past and says in a stage whisper ‘It’s so sad Kathleen, They are all so bad in here – really doolally’. I’m not sure she is making many friends to be honest. But she might be out soon on good behaviour.

The school holidays used to be such a wonderful time for me when I was a young, childless teacher. I could lie in bed, be kissed on the forehead by an envious grumpy Dutchman as he left for work and then spend my days slothing about, taking photos, watching shit TV, op-shopping and catching up with my grrlfriends. Ah the good old days.

Not so now I am a mother. I have one child in school so guess what? He’s on holiday with me. And the other one is old enough now to notice when his brother gets to stay with Mummy so I have to let him stay home more during the hols.

I like my kids. Really I do. They are both bright and inquisitive and opinionated and totally rock and roll. They are the best little team a mother could ask for. In small doses. And not so much together as separately – special ‘Mummy and me’ time is good. We have a great time when they are not competing for anything. Yesterday the seven year old and I had a lovely time doing errands and talking about nothing. I learned an awful lot about computer games I will never play. And if I think about it – I had both of them on Tuesday and we went to the zoo and it was lovely. So it is possible I will admit but in small doses.

Today I just gave up. When we got home from the hospital I just let them do what they wanted. They built a fort for the kitten. They forced the kitten to ‘enjoy’ it. I rescued the kitten so they went to the TV lounge and wrestled. I shouted ‘Get OFF your brothers head!’ more than once. They threw themselves around the music lounge in an attempt to get the dog to wrestle with them. They played the drums. Briefly. They helped themselves to food and milk. They followed me out on to the road to speak to a friend and dragged the kitten up and down the street to meet the neighbours. They nearly fell asleep in the car when I played my Terry Pratchett audio book with the express purpose of getting them to sleep. Damnit.

I mostly craved sugar and tried really hard to ignore it. I was grumpy and impatient. I threatened to give the kitten to someone nice. I tried to bribe them with delicious treats which they declined. I gave up and pulled out the classic ‘When your father gets home he will hear about this!’. They didn’t care. You’ve got to admire that kind of confidence really. I gave up parenting and retreated to my bed. I painted my nails. I read a trashy magazine. I read the first chapter of my Willpower book (it says to only read a chapter a week and try to do the ‘experiments’). This week I am meant to try to ‘be in the moment and notice my breath’ for five minutes a day. HA! I’d like to be in any moment and have the energy to notice my breath at all. I’ve always been a shit breather.

Tomorrow the smallest child will go to daycare, and the eldest will come with me to work. I will put him in front of a computer and he will happily get screen stoned while I mark assessments and panic about un-written assessments for next term. But at least I will be distracted my body aches, headaches and sugar cravings.

Knowing I did (all) of this to myself doesn’t make it any more fun.

97 – urg

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I may have had a little bit of coffee and/or ginger loaf this morning with my grrl Yasmine. Just ‘finishing off the supplies’. Allegedly. I’m fairly confident she will neither confirm nor deny.

Tomorrow though. I have nothing left.

96 – The day before the day it begins. Again.

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I’m standing in the ditch. My shoes are ruined. My nails are broken and torn but I am determined to get the fucking wheels back on the wagon. The family is nearby but not talking to me. There was a short-lived moment where they LOVED me but I put paid to that with my wild mood swings and Tourette’s like outbursts.

Ok. The wagon doesn’t exist. My nails are immaculate as ever – natch. But it’s true that I have been a crazy unpredictable mamabear all weekend. Sorry I mean four days. Mostly I have been lovely. A little bit sweary but that’s normal. And I have been funny – I am funny. I made the GD laugh all weekend, a mean feat on a good day – I even made my Nana, in a psych ward because she’s so miserable – laugh when I called her anorexic. …Maybe that’s not a great example. But I have been ‘mostly’ nice and mostly funny and a little bit sweary.

It’s the lows that were scary. The bits where I crawled back in to bed in the middle of the day just to get some quiet Mummy time. The bits where I shouted at the top of my lungs that the boys were ‘hereby banned from our room FOREVER!’ and they just blithely carried on jumping on me and the book I wasn’t reading. (They aren’t scared of me. Really – why aren’t they scared of me?) The bit where I made a playlist of rock and roll hits and Snoop dogg especially for the boys one minute and then just wanted to listen to Frozen on repeat. That was a pretty low moment. FYI Frozen is now officially uncool in our house and when I was singing along the lads had me voted off the island.

It turned out that in a sick twist of fate the very same weekend I decided to give myself carte blanche to mindfully  ‘enjoy easter with my family’ I was, unknowingly premenstrual (and before you scoff ‘how could you not know?’ I have never kept track of this shit – I have too much to do alright? It always takes me by surprise and just seems to have it’s own schedule, one minute I’m happily floating along no worries and the next I am doubled over in pain and eating whole boxes of neurofen like they are lollies). I thought I could handle just one egg.

Just one little chocolate egg to celebrate the end of term and stuff. But I couldn’t handle that jandal. One little egg turned into convincing the grumpy Dutchman that he wanted to share his egg stash with me on Friday night. The next thing you know I’ve got my mum sharing her egg from the lads with me. Waiting until the kids went to bed so I could eat the secret creme egg I had hidden in the car. All I could think about all day was that creme egg sitting all by its lonesome in the glove box. All day.

Add to that coffee. FUCK I LOVE COFFEE. I couldn’t have hot cross buns without coffee could I? Sacrilege. I found some decent GF hot cross buns. So I have been having hot cross buns with butter on them with coffee. Coffee in an ‘UNT’ mug for the win. Ahhhhhhh coffee my old friend.

Coffee-meme

In terms of activities and stuff we have had a lovely weekend. I went paddle-boarding for the first time. Talk about blissing out. It was AMAZE. I NEED to go again. We (the four of us) spent quality time with the wider fam. We took the lads to the Easter show. We were lucky to get out alive. I only suggest it every year to see the farm animals but this year the poor piglets and lambs had a trapped wild-eyed look about them and I couldn’t enjoy their wooly wonderful snuffly-ness. The boys wanted to ride stuff and win stuff, the GD wanted to eat stuff and the rest of Auckland was jammed in there with us trying to do the same thing. Every time we put the boys in the car they tried this new thing they have where they each try to imitate a peacock in heat at the top of their lungs. Master 7 thinks it makes him sound like an electric guitar. It doesn’t. Weirdly this didn’t make me or the GD want to leave them on the side of the road – we laughed – but then, this makes sense because I was FUCKING HIGH ON ALL THE SUGAR.

And now I am not. I have however got a slow burn on thanks to this ginger loaf I am ‘finishing off’ before tomorrow. It’s keeping the edge off.

So. Tomorrow marks the beginning of the withdrawal again. Tomorrow I will start ‘crowding out’ the sugar cravings again with all the cooked veges. I will go back to rice milk in my smoothies. My hot drink of choice will once again be a green tea every couple of days. No more raw food. No more crunchy food. No more self harming with food. More quality time with my children outside. More running with the dogs. More reading of the books I have bought and never read.

I apologise in advance if my blog posts go to a dark place in the next few weeks.

90 – no regrets, just lessons learned

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I went to Te Warewhare tonight to buy easter treats for my Form teachers. 14 foil wrapped easter bunnies. Add to that an Easter egg each for the lads, one for the grumpy Dutchman and assorted mini eggs for the chase on Sunday morning. Annnnnnd then throw in the basket a packet of six pineapple lump marshmallow eggs. Which I happen to know are gluten free.

They never left my thoughts. I had decided weeks ago that if I wanted an Easter egg for easter I would have one. That last year the beginning of my downfall was the Easter break. I tried to drown out the cravings and ignore them but I ended up exploding and eating ALL the chocolate. It was the slippery slope that meant the end. This time I decided to be kind to myself, no denying and to just see how I went.

There are no pineapple lump marshmallow eggs left. I feel sick. I have a headache and a horrible taste in my mouth and I am overheating.

These are good things to remember. I will not beat myself up over this but I will pay attention to my body and how it reacts to this overload of sugar. Now I will go to bed because I feel awful.

Peace out my peeps.

Day 28 – Second proper day of work and the sugar cravings are back

I am tired man. Two full days of work and I’m shattered. I got home and immediately wanted to pick at sugary snacks. I had some Kombucha tea left in the fridge – but I have fallen in to the trap of thinking that because it’s the latest ‘health fix-all’ that it will be good for me – nope. 10mg of sugar. That’s heaps! So that’s out. Luckily – and I say this sincerely – there was nothing in the house that could break my resolve. I did eye the Nutella up. I spent many a good night with a jar of Nutella and a spoon believe me! But it is not Gf so it’s out and to be honest it wasn’t that tempting.

So the plan is to focus on the good things that happened today, feel tired, and go to bed early. Lot’s of good things happened in the last two days;

  • I finally figured out how to add another page to my blog. (Actually Kylee showed me – she’s way more bloggy than me – thanks Kylee!)
  • I have seen a big bunch of my girls today; feeling positive and looking forward to starting the year.
  • I got to cuddle a beautiful two week old baby boy. Nawwww baby snuggles.
  • It is nice to see all of my work colleagues looking so refreshed and relaxed as we start the year. All summer tans and smiles.
  • Boot camp was good this morning – and it was great to watch the sun rise.
  • I got a parcel in the mail. Yay for shoes arriving via post!
  • I finally have a right hand side indicator on my car.
  • The GD suggested watching 22 Jump st again tonight. Oh Channing.

And on that note – I am signing off!

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Day 20 – dis-organisation = cravings

Am getting a bit antsy for snacks and sugar. It definitely didn’t help that the fruit I have been having has been kicking off the cravings again. I think I have been looking for a pick me up in the mornings and have been reaching for the smoothies instead of having the cooked breakfasts I should be planning for myself.

Raspberries, Cashews, Avocado, Almond milk, and Frozen banana - Thanks to Cath for the recipe :-)
Raspberries, Cashews, Avocado, Almond milk, and Frozen banana – Thanks to Cath for the recipe 🙂

So tomorrow – in between getting my hair did, my lashes filled and going to work for a few hours – I am going to get the Pete Evans cook book that features lots of gluten and dairy and sugar-free recipes. Will also be (hopefully) getting heaps of recipes from the ‘I quit Sugar’ program which I am signing up for tonight.  I will let you know how that goes, and whether it is worth trying it out for yourself – IMO anyway. There is a lot of hype around the program and I know that quitting sugar is the cool thing right now – for lots of good reasons – but what appealed to me about this program was the shopping lists and meal plans you get each week – and they can tailor them to be Gf and DF too. So it’s just another crutch for me for days like today when I am feeling weak and wanting to ‘just have a taste’ from the jar of nutella in the cupboard…

Outside of cravings and the usual, today was a rest day – I counted our walk and swim this afternoon as my exercise – but I am looking forward (as always) to boot camp tomorrow morning. Hopefully the new girl will come back and she can see that I’m just a really awkward, friendly, non-psycho who likes to meet new fun excercisey boot-camp people.. from a distance… and just grins weirdly…

Holla to y’all.

Day fifteen – giiiivvvvvveeeeee mmeeeeeeeeee suuugaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr

ARGH. You’d think that being home would be great and that I would be loving hanging with my little family again, and to be fair last night it was sooooo great to see them but right about now they might be regretting having ever picked me up.

Oh my god my body aches. All over but especially my legs – and my ankles feel swollen but they look just the same as usual. The day started ok, I woke up and master four was in bed giving me a snuggle, I went back to sleep and woke up to Master four bent over, naked from the waist down asking me to inspect his clean up job after pooing. The first thing I saw was his asshole. ‘Yay!’ I thought ‘back to parenting’. Then when I got up there was no food in the house that I could eat and nothing that they would eat. So we walked to Trinity on the corner and got breakfast. And of course after mangling mine and pronouncing it disgusting – finally leaving me to eat my poached eggs and mushrooms in peace, they ate one single bite of their breakfasts and wanted to go and play. It’s fine, I told myself as the red rage crept over me, breathe and negotiate – you remember how to do this – you’ve only had 7 days off. And this formed the pattern of my day.

The lads would do something, or not do something depending on if it was a specific request from me – and I would get angry and either swear and carry on like a pirate on shore leave OR I would breathe and count to ten and effectively put myself in time out. Everyone has felt my wrath today – the MIL who helpfully did our dishes but then put everything away in exactly the opposite place to where it goes – leaving me confounded as to how I could be losing things – and leading to an episode that would put a Tourette’s sufferer to shame. Thankfully the boys were off destroying things in another room so they didn’t hear me ranting at thin air. It also led to me re-arranging our kitchen drawers and throwing out all of the horrible plastic detritus that ends up floating in your drawers that you will never use again – so there was an upside.

Food shopping – fucking hell it is expensive to get fresh fruit and vege – let alone meat and dairy! We try to only shop ’round the outside’ anyway, so it’s all fresh unprocessed stuff on the main and jebus. If we weren’t both working and earning a decent wage between us I don’t know how we’d survive. It’s all very well pointing the finger at people who feed their kids crap food making them fat blah blah blah but it’s bloody hard to afford decent food. It’s not just education about nutrition it’s the reality of how much it all costs. I swore a lot in the grocery department. You won’t find me judging what you fill your trolley up with love – fark no.

All this time we are trying to get to the zoo and it’s the only thing I have that I can bargain with the lads i.e. ‘if you don’t shut the HELL up right now we won’t go to the zoo’ sort of thing. But things keep getting in the way. Master 7 had his Ukelele lesson (he’s quietly kicking butt btw and will be the next muso in the family I reckon), we came home to eat and see if Master 4 would sleep – nope.

Then we got to the Zoo – yay! and it was closed. By this time I had given in to the aches, and realised that I was being such an impatient bitch because I am withdrawing from sugar. Doesn’t make it any easier. We jumped out of the car and went for a two hour play and walk round springs instead. Of course the boys found every prickle in the grass as we went – but that’s what you get if you ignore 67 requests to put your shoes on before we get in the car. It’s Karma little dudes.

So now I’ve picked a fight with the Grumpy Dutchman because he looked too happy and I am sulking and ‘blogging’ while he cooks dinner after a full day at work. He he, I ‘blog’. That’s hilarious.

Anyway, the point of todays blog was to check in with the WOF results, my ‘starting point’ as it were. The idea is that I will do it all again in three months and see what effect my dietary restrictions are having on it. If at all.

Here goes;

  • weight – 70kgs – not that I am actually checking this, and will only be interested as a point of comparison in three months. Its how my clothes fit that matters.
  • B12 – 452 (range is 170 – 600)
  • Calcium 2.32 (2.10 – 2.55)
  • Iron 49 (20 – 190) This one is good – my last test had me at 3!
  • Magnesium 0.93 (0.70 – 1.0)
  • Coeliac antibodies 14.9 (<15.0)
  • My thyroid is not within range and my white blood cell count is low

This is what my specialist said;

‘Yes antibodies are a little raised despite of course being completely gluten free – this can, however occur due to lowered immunity over all from the Coeliac disease.
This also explains neutropenia (low white blood cell count) and increased thyroid antibodies…..  ………B12, magnesium, iron & folate otherwise looking good!’
So actually I am quite happy with that, and the stuff I am taking three times a day is working on my immune system as is this diet SO things are looking up in that respect. It’s the first time in as long as I can remember that I have had any iron, magnesium etc in me at all so it’s good.
No Yoga today as planned – too hot and too achey. I’ve got boot camp in the morning and that will be a good way to ‘shake it out’ I reckon.
So, this grumpy bitch is signing off, I wonder if the GD cooked me any dinner?