251 – Wednesday weigh day

Oh faaaaaark. I am one tired mother. Last night we had academic pathway interviews at school and I didn’t get home until after eight, this morning bounced out of bed (more like staggered) and was at boot camp by 6am. Add to that no sugar or coffee or dairy this week and I am a fucking zombie. I keep having to apologise to peeps this week as I yawn IN THEIR FACE while they are trying to impart vital information in my direction.

And you know how I was feeling bleurgh following those PMT thingys? Well one of the feelings that was lingering was the weight gain. I was feeling distinctly ‘pregnant’ and round which wasn’t fun and everyone I talked to said that I didn’t look any different – but remember my fave item of clothing at the moment is the silk sack. So anyway I bought a set of scales. I feel a bit ashamed to admit it.

I really wanted to subscribe to the whole ‘ Your body is not a number, feel good and be happy and ‘the weight will fall off’ blah blah blah. Stress and all that obsessive weighing being bad for your state of mind I totally get it. BUT the reality is that weight does NOT EVER fall off me. Some people lose weight when they are stressed – I am the opposite. I always have to work for it. I always have to watch my output (exercise) and input (food) and in order to stay comfy I need to be in a constant state of vigilance. Sounds tiring huh? Well it is actually. And the bloody GD is the opposite – he has to make sure he is eating ENOUGH because he does get too skinny – poor us huh. Worlds smallest violin.

I really wanted to believe that if I did yoga and ate what ‘my body wanted’ and did all that zen shit that I would find a natural ‘healthy weight’. Big FAT fail.

We know I failed at the yoga – who has time?!? I don’t have time. I am still boot camping, and I had to stop running for my poor old knee but I am going to try to work it up slowly (and carefully) back to being able to run 5 kms every second day.

And that PMT stuff definitely fucked with me.

So I bought scales. This morning before boot camp I stood on them. And then (think american teenager voice) I LITERALLY DIED.

I haven’t weighed myself since February, and it was a BIG shock. I am not going to tell you because numbers are boring but it was enough to have me tying my shoes on quick smart and running out the door for boot camp. I had grilled chicken and steamed veg for dinner and I have a goal motherfuckers.

I wish I could say that I feel invigorated but I think at the moment it’s a grit your teeth and go in hard type situation. I am shattered but I know that’s the sugar withdrawal and I will feel better in a couple of weeks. Someone remind me of this please in a week when I think I am dying?

You know, when one of my year 12’s greeted me at the door today with ‘Miss have you GAINED?’ (loud voice) a little part of me wanted to smack her. But it’s all motivation eh? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

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96 – The day before the day it begins. Again.

Penny-Needs-Help-For-Her-Computer-Addiction-On-The-Big-Bang-Theory

I’m standing in the ditch. My shoes are ruined. My nails are broken and torn but I am determined to get the fucking wheels back on the wagon. The family is nearby but not talking to me. There was a short-lived moment where they LOVED me but I put paid to that with my wild mood swings and Tourette’s like outbursts.

Ok. The wagon doesn’t exist. My nails are immaculate as ever – natch. But it’s true that I have been a crazy unpredictable mamabear all weekend. Sorry I mean four days. Mostly I have been lovely. A little bit sweary but that’s normal. And I have been funny – I am funny. I made the GD laugh all weekend, a mean feat on a good day – I even made my Nana, in a psych ward because she’s so miserable – laugh when I called her anorexic. …Maybe that’s not a great example. But I have been ‘mostly’ nice and mostly funny and a little bit sweary.

It’s the lows that were scary. The bits where I crawled back in to bed in the middle of the day just to get some quiet Mummy time. The bits where I shouted at the top of my lungs that the boys were ‘hereby banned from our room FOREVER!’ and they just blithely carried on jumping on me and the book I wasn’t reading. (They aren’t scared of me. Really – why aren’t they scared of me?) The bit where I made a playlist of rock and roll hits and Snoop dogg especially for the boys one minute and then just wanted to listen to Frozen on repeat. That was a pretty low moment. FYI Frozen is now officially uncool in our house and when I was singing along the lads had me voted off the island.

It turned out that in a sick twist of fate the very same weekend I decided to give myself carte blanche to mindfully  ‘enjoy easter with my family’ I was, unknowingly premenstrual (and before you scoff ‘how could you not know?’ I have never kept track of this shit – I have too much to do alright? It always takes me by surprise and just seems to have it’s own schedule, one minute I’m happily floating along no worries and the next I am doubled over in pain and eating whole boxes of neurofen like they are lollies). I thought I could handle just one egg.

Just one little chocolate egg to celebrate the end of term and stuff. But I couldn’t handle that jandal. One little egg turned into convincing the grumpy Dutchman that he wanted to share his egg stash with me on Friday night. The next thing you know I’ve got my mum sharing her egg from the lads with me. Waiting until the kids went to bed so I could eat the secret creme egg I had hidden in the car. All I could think about all day was that creme egg sitting all by its lonesome in the glove box. All day.

Add to that coffee. FUCK I LOVE COFFEE. I couldn’t have hot cross buns without coffee could I? Sacrilege. I found some decent GF hot cross buns. So I have been having hot cross buns with butter on them with coffee. Coffee in an ‘UNT’ mug for the win. Ahhhhhhh coffee my old friend.

Coffee-meme

In terms of activities and stuff we have had a lovely weekend. I went paddle-boarding for the first time. Talk about blissing out. It was AMAZE. I NEED to go again. We (the four of us) spent quality time with the wider fam. We took the lads to the Easter show. We were lucky to get out alive. I only suggest it every year to see the farm animals but this year the poor piglets and lambs had a trapped wild-eyed look about them and I couldn’t enjoy their wooly wonderful snuffly-ness. The boys wanted to ride stuff and win stuff, the GD wanted to eat stuff and the rest of Auckland was jammed in there with us trying to do the same thing. Every time we put the boys in the car they tried this new thing they have where they each try to imitate a peacock in heat at the top of their lungs. Master 7 thinks it makes him sound like an electric guitar. It doesn’t. Weirdly this didn’t make me or the GD want to leave them on the side of the road – we laughed – but then, this makes sense because I was FUCKING HIGH ON ALL THE SUGAR.

And now I am not. I have however got a slow burn on thanks to this ginger loaf I am ‘finishing off’ before tomorrow. It’s keeping the edge off.

So. Tomorrow marks the beginning of the withdrawal again. Tomorrow I will start ‘crowding out’ the sugar cravings again with all the cooked veges. I will go back to rice milk in my smoothies. My hot drink of choice will once again be a green tea every couple of days. No more raw food. No more crunchy food. No more self harming with food. More quality time with my children outside. More running with the dogs. More reading of the books I have bought and never read.

I apologise in advance if my blog posts go to a dark place in the next few weeks.

Day 49 – Hump day.

Today after a long day which included sitting on the motorway for the better part of two hours to visit Nana, I was in the stupidmarket shoe-less (blister from my heels) getting zucchini (which they didn’t bloody have – my kingdom for a courgette!) when a woman looked at my bare feet sideways. Apparently I have no filter when I’m tired because I turned around and said ‘Normally by now I’d have my bra off too!’. Choice.

I have leg aches…. running up and down my thighs and shins…. It turns out I wasn’t as clean and green as I thought I was because I may be experiencing withdrawal symptoms….. although withdrawal from what?

But it’s not all bad – I finally paid off two of my laybys and got a little retail therapy rush. I actually think it was better than a sugar rush. And I don’t say that lightly friends. But it really is a special feeling. Or maybe I’m just shallow!

Anyhoo – take care of y’all, this feels like a long week, but we only have two days to go!

Day 18 – I’m breaking out!

Next step of sugar withdrawals…… as the headaches recede and the aches in my legs are more attributable to boot camp than the sugar, my skin is now breaking out. This is the next step if I remember correctly. I am SO pretty right now. Like a 17 year old before a date with her crush I am breaking out all over – mostly my decolletage which is fun for all those pretty summery dresses that are all strappy and loose – they basically scream look at my big pimples! I’m 36 and I’m breaking out like a teenager. Which goes really well with my permanently red face.

Which segueways nicely into Yoga – where I have an even redder face than normal – I tried a new class this morning, ‘more dynamic’ the lady said. Constant movement etc and ‘Strength and loving myself’. Lots of self love promoted. There was a guy in the back who sounded like he was really loving himself before class. He got there a few minutes before the rest of us and was doing a headstand when we all walked in. He then proceeded to have his own little yoga session before class, contorting himself, huffing and puffing and basically fucking with my savasna buzz. Here I am trying to centre myself and not focus on all the tall blonde yogis arriving in their teeny tiny pant and bras and trying to practice self love in not comparing my shorter rounder sweatier self to them and all I can hear is super keen guy in the back panting away and he tries to turn him self inside out. Dude.

This cat from 'Cats for world peace' is much cuter than headstand man
This cat from ‘Cats for world peace’ is much cuter than headstand man

But I liked it. It was a new one – it felt really challenging and after about 45 minutes I was ready for it to end but I could see how it was one that you could get better at. If I didn’t look directly at the instructor she wasn’t too intimidating – sitting really far away worked – and I could get my sweat on and make my tiny little adjustments and movements as we went.

So far so good.

What beautiful weather this weekend! This is proving to be a wonderful summer.

Day 17 – Another food experiment and sore legs

Oh my god my legs hurt. And my ass and the rest. No boot camp for two weeks then two days in a row and I am suffering. I can’t even sit on the loo without holding on and using my arms to stand up slooooooooowllyyyyy. Ow Ow Ow! I hobbled around the zoo like an old lady today following the boys….                      And yoga tomorrow. For my sins.

I am getting a little sick of the same green veges and salmon/chicken combos for my meals (and the same smoothie recipe over and over). So have resolved to not only collect recipes and good websites, but to actually try them out – and I want to try to make at least one new thing a week. We tried a new smoothie recipe yesterday and that was good – it did occur to me that I am using fruit in the smoothies and that goes against my fruit ban – soooooooooo. I don’t know – will research ‘low’ fruit recipes – maybe no banana.

Tonight I tried these ‘coconut flour biscuits’ (scones) and they smelled delicious – full of spring onion, parsley, thyme, basil and rosemary – it’s a shame they sucked. So dry. I do not have success with coconut flour. I am thinking that maybe if I subbed out the coconut flour with self raising Gf flour (the edmonds one is quite good) they might be chewy enough to be nice…

photo 1 (10) photo 2 (10) photo 3 (6)The grumpy Dutchman ate them but he is good to me, the rest of us couldn’t bear them, they boys left them on their plates and I may have thrown mine to the birds… Oh well.

Yoga tomorrow! I wonder if I will be able to bend over by then?

Day fifteen – giiiivvvvvveeeeee mmeeeeeeeeee suuugaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr

ARGH. You’d think that being home would be great and that I would be loving hanging with my little family again, and to be fair last night it was sooooo great to see them but right about now they might be regretting having ever picked me up.

Oh my god my body aches. All over but especially my legs – and my ankles feel swollen but they look just the same as usual. The day started ok, I woke up and master four was in bed giving me a snuggle, I went back to sleep and woke up to Master four bent over, naked from the waist down asking me to inspect his clean up job after pooing. The first thing I saw was his asshole. ‘Yay!’ I thought ‘back to parenting’. Then when I got up there was no food in the house that I could eat and nothing that they would eat. So we walked to Trinity on the corner and got breakfast. And of course after mangling mine and pronouncing it disgusting – finally leaving me to eat my poached eggs and mushrooms in peace, they ate one single bite of their breakfasts and wanted to go and play. It’s fine, I told myself as the red rage crept over me, breathe and negotiate – you remember how to do this – you’ve only had 7 days off. And this formed the pattern of my day.

The lads would do something, or not do something depending on if it was a specific request from me – and I would get angry and either swear and carry on like a pirate on shore leave OR I would breathe and count to ten and effectively put myself in time out. Everyone has felt my wrath today – the MIL who helpfully did our dishes but then put everything away in exactly the opposite place to where it goes – leaving me confounded as to how I could be losing things – and leading to an episode that would put a Tourette’s sufferer to shame. Thankfully the boys were off destroying things in another room so they didn’t hear me ranting at thin air. It also led to me re-arranging our kitchen drawers and throwing out all of the horrible plastic detritus that ends up floating in your drawers that you will never use again – so there was an upside.

Food shopping – fucking hell it is expensive to get fresh fruit and vege – let alone meat and dairy! We try to only shop ’round the outside’ anyway, so it’s all fresh unprocessed stuff on the main and jebus. If we weren’t both working and earning a decent wage between us I don’t know how we’d survive. It’s all very well pointing the finger at people who feed their kids crap food making them fat blah blah blah but it’s bloody hard to afford decent food. It’s not just education about nutrition it’s the reality of how much it all costs. I swore a lot in the grocery department. You won’t find me judging what you fill your trolley up with love – fark no.

All this time we are trying to get to the zoo and it’s the only thing I have that I can bargain with the lads i.e. ‘if you don’t shut the HELL up right now we won’t go to the zoo’ sort of thing. But things keep getting in the way. Master 7 had his Ukelele lesson (he’s quietly kicking butt btw and will be the next muso in the family I reckon), we came home to eat and see if Master 4 would sleep – nope.

Then we got to the Zoo – yay! and it was closed. By this time I had given in to the aches, and realised that I was being such an impatient bitch because I am withdrawing from sugar. Doesn’t make it any easier. We jumped out of the car and went for a two hour play and walk round springs instead. Of course the boys found every prickle in the grass as we went – but that’s what you get if you ignore 67 requests to put your shoes on before we get in the car. It’s Karma little dudes.

So now I’ve picked a fight with the Grumpy Dutchman because he looked too happy and I am sulking and ‘blogging’ while he cooks dinner after a full day at work. He he, I ‘blog’. That’s hilarious.

Anyway, the point of todays blog was to check in with the WOF results, my ‘starting point’ as it were. The idea is that I will do it all again in three months and see what effect my dietary restrictions are having on it. If at all.

Here goes;

  • weight – 70kgs – not that I am actually checking this, and will only be interested as a point of comparison in three months. Its how my clothes fit that matters.
  • B12 – 452 (range is 170 – 600)
  • Calcium 2.32 (2.10 – 2.55)
  • Iron 49 (20 – 190) This one is good – my last test had me at 3!
  • Magnesium 0.93 (0.70 – 1.0)
  • Coeliac antibodies 14.9 (<15.0)
  • My thyroid is not within range and my white blood cell count is low

This is what my specialist said;

‘Yes antibodies are a little raised despite of course being completely gluten free – this can, however occur due to lowered immunity over all from the Coeliac disease.
This also explains neutropenia (low white blood cell count) and increased thyroid antibodies…..  ………B12, magnesium, iron & folate otherwise looking good!’
So actually I am quite happy with that, and the stuff I am taking three times a day is working on my immune system as is this diet SO things are looking up in that respect. It’s the first time in as long as I can remember that I have had any iron, magnesium etc in me at all so it’s good.
No Yoga today as planned – too hot and too achey. I’ve got boot camp in the morning and that will be a good way to ‘shake it out’ I reckon.
So, this grumpy bitch is signing off, I wonder if the GD cooked me any dinner?

Day Twelve – headaches and cold weather…

Urg. Sugar withdrawal is kicking in. And the Dairy and Sugar from Saturday night has manifested itself in a rash or red bumps/pimple things on my neck and shoulder and my face is SOOOO red. Feel pretty gross. So not pretty right now.

And on top of it all I have had a headache alllllllllllll day that I couldn’t shake. The sky is grey and it was cold too. I think the weather affects me more than I’d like. I don’t cope with grey skies very well.

On the positive – I had a lovely visit with my friend Cath and her two little lasses – they are super cutie cute and we had a lovely FREEZING walk round the Botanical gardens. I was going to go to Sumner and show myself around but it was too cold and I ended up in the mall….. I will try again tomorrow.

To try to ‘re-set’ I made us a delicious dinner – stir fried chicken and assorted veges. And I am currently fighting very strong cravings to eat ALL the fruit in the house. No fruit for me…. I need to get through the headaches and out the other side…..

photo (18)

Day eleven, sugar hangover and new food

Morning, I mean afternoon – no actually it’s the evening isn’t it? My head has been foggy today and I don’t know if it’s because I stayed up late (11pm shocking!) or I woke up late (7.30am – even more shocking!). I am not a late night gal nor am I a late riser and I am blaming this weird sleeping squarely on the sugar high I got from my delicious dessert last night. Also today I have smashed 2 nectarines and a whole bunch of strawberries so I guess the sugar cravings have kicked back in…. Back to square one and cold turkey on the fruit tomorrow.

Oh well my fault. We met one of my sisters mates for lunch today, she is good fun and the cafe we went to did the whole ‘we can make any meal GF’ for you thing which was great. They faltered a bit when I asked if that was coeliac safe (two different things believe me) but were very good with my ‘special needs’ ha ha. I ended up having poached eggs on their own GF bread, GF bacon and baby spinach which was delicious and kept me full (albeit I slipped some strawb’s in there) until dinner time.

The weather is not amazing today – raining on and off – grey skies – which always affects my mood – makes me irritable and snappy – and I get Monica-styles white girl afro too… s’not pretty or cute.

monica geller playing table tennis

In other news I have nearly finished another book – fuck I LOVE hours and hours of uninterrupted reading – I was such a geek when I was younger and unencumbered, I’d just read and read and read…. and (maybe) unrelated; I have bought my two little lads their ‘Mummies-been-away-and-didn’t-miss-you-at-all-but-I-still-love-you-really’ guilt presents and sent postcards, but there isn’t a lot of exercise going on… Yoga and boot camp will be ON when I get home. Damnit. NO remember – it’s good for my soul and stress and shit…. No really it is!

Kris made us delicious Larb Gai for dinner tonight and we ate it wrapped in lettuce leaves – must try this for other food – it was delicious and satisfying. She said it was super easy to make so I will be looking up versions of it when I get home to try with the lads and the GD. YUM. And also eating other stuff wrapped in lettuce leaves (although technically lettuce leaves are raw greens and I should be avoiding them – but no sore tummy yet from raw veges or chillies so fingers crossed!)

Three more days and I go home to my boys, I guess I do miss little lad cuddles in the morning – I even missed the GD today when I was mooching round the shops and found some records (but don’t tell him that!).

Day Seven, flying away to the flatlands

photo 1 (5)

Evening,

I write this from the broad expanses of my sisters giant counch, in her giant lounge, to the wet crunchy soundtrack of her Boxer dog Dave masticating a chew toy. I am SOOOOOO full because we checked out a GF (coeliac friendly) Fish and Chip shop down here and it was YUM. The house is quiet and modern and Master chef is entertaining us….. and I am thinking about the crunchy bits left in the chip wrapper…

I always forget how flat Christchurch is until I get here and now am faced with the daunting task of jumping in Kris’s car tomorrow and finding my way around – with no one landmark to point myself at I will be relying heavily on GPS to help me. We made a pitstop at the stupidmarket for me to fill up with veges and supplies – I am going to make Kris the chicken ‘poppers’ for dinner one night because I am excited about them ha ha. I grabbed almond milk etc and will be making smoothies for us for breakie tomorrow too – sorted.

Bootcamp this morning, and then a lovely walk through the forest near the sister’s house with her dog to show me the ropes. I won’t be bootcamping/yoga-ing for the next seven days but WILL be dog walking, sunbathing and reading lots of books.

photo 4 (1)

Ahhhhh Blisss.

You might hear from me over the next few days…. but then again you might not 😉